So you wanna Eye-F*ck?

Okay, I’m not really big on picking up at a bar, a club or picking up in general for that matter. So before heading out with the girls one night, they decided to give me some advice, “What you need to do is give the guy you’re interested in ‘the look’. Look at them in the eyes, hold a gaze and if he lock eyes with you, then your job is done. He’ll just come on over.” It’s as simple as that. When I was trying to explain this to a guy friend, he immediately was like, “Yeah, that’s what we call eye-f*cking, JVo! So this one time, this girl was full on eye-f*cking me all night, when I went on over and…” See the difference between hanging out with a girl friend versus a guy friend? Vulgarness! So eye-f*cking it is then!

Yes, Eye-f*cking is a vulgar term to describe what in actual fact, is a sensual act between two people making eye contact with each other and communicating their sexual thoughts and intentions solely through their eyes and maybe slight body movements. So if you break it down, it’s not really vulgar at all. There is no actual f*cking involved. Well… what comes afterwards may or may not involve f*cking, but that’s up to you! What you are thinking right now is ALL you, not me! I’m just the writer, but YOU my friend, have a dirty mind. Case closed.

Anyway, Eye-f*cking is simply another courting technique. An example an eye-f*ck conversation may sound something like this in your head whilst you are in the motion of eye-f*cking: “Hey you, hot stuff standing there in your edible g-string. I see you looking at me. You see me looking at you. Oops, did I just unbutton your shirt and undress you with my eyes? But Baby, I suggest you wax your chest before we continue to eye-fuck. Oh wait, that’s all in my mind… You stoopid stoopid dirty mind, you had to ruin it for everybody, didn’t you?!”

“So how do you go about eye-f*cking, JVo?” The truth is, I am a shit eye-f*ck. I can’t eye-fuck if my life depended on it because I can’t seem to hold a gaze with someone without getting all shy and turning away. Because what if the guy actually comes on over? Then what? “Well, you give it a go JVo! Or maybe you’re ARE a lesbo?” Oh come on now, I thought we’ve been through this before (read previous post). Anyhow, I am not going to sit here and pretend to give you advice on ‘how to eye-f*ck’ because there are plenty of articles online already. Just google it. But here are a couple of technical links if you’re a lazy mofo:

And watch this awesome instructional video If you really want to learn how to eye-f*ck:

 

Okay, so that’s an eye-f*ck gone wrong. But you get the drift now, right? So why use the eye-f*ck as a pick up technique? Let’s hear it from a guy’s point of view:

I took this question to the streets of Melbourne and on one particular I met a not-so-innocent male street walker, roaming Russell St. His name was Chris. “What are you lovely ladies doing out on the streets tonight,” he casually asked my girlfriend and I, while flashing a sleazy grin. He was of European descent. The kind that wore too much grease in their hair. The kind that has side burns precisely trimmed to a point and the kind that wore just that one too many gold chains. Okay, simply put a discriminative way: a Wog. “We’re on our way to another bar. What are you doing here?” we friendly responded. Jokingly he said, “Well you know, I’m just working my corner.” I see… it looks like the game has begun.”Oh really?” we played along. “So then… How much?” I asked. “Well, for you… I’ll give you a special discount. I’ll take you out on date.”

Puh-lease, so typical. But let’s have some fun with this dude, “A date? What is that shit? I just wanted a f*ck, yo!” Chris stopped for a minute and was taken aback before he slapped his hands together, lit up his eyes and with an added bounce in his wog-stride, “I like you, girl! You’re straight to the point.” I laughed, “Calm down Chris. I’m only playing, I’m going to f*ck you, but here’s the thing. I’m writing an article on eye-f*cking. Do you do it? How do you do it? And what the hell for? Now… GO!”

Without with a second to pause in between, “Eye-f*ck? See, I’m a male. And as I male I just wanna f*ck females and impregnate all females. It’s in our DNA. That’s what we do. So that’s why we eye-f*ck, so we can f*ck. So this one time, this girl in the cloak room…” And…you know how the goes! “Wait. Chris, did you eye-f*ck me just now?” I asked. “Shit yeh, I did. You were pretty awesome. We did it all sorts of positions.” “Wow… That was amazing Chris!” And with that, we left Chris on the streets of Melbourne where he belonged to eye-f*ck the next poor girl who would cross his path.

 

From my point of view:

As you can see, with eye-f*cking the probability of snapping a guy like Chris is quite high. You know, the “I wanna f*ck and impregnate all females” type of guy. And if that’s what you want, then go for it people. But what happened to the times of getting to know someone over a simple “Hey… how’s doin’? Sorry I can’t get through… Why don’t you leave your name… and your number… and I’ll get back to you.” I’ve got to stop quoting these really out dates songs because the young ones won’t understand, but what I really meant to say was what happened to the days of courting over a friendly chat? Getting to know someone via conversation… and THEN go home and bang ’em! I mean, make love to. No I really mean, touchy feelies. Okay Mum, if you’re reading this, I really truly do mean go on date. Call me prude or old skool, but isn’t that what girls really want?

You girls are probably sitting there going, “Yo, tell me want I want, want I really really want. I wanna, I wanna, I wanna… really really really wanna zigazig ha!” (Spice Girls) So you boys are sitting there thinking, “What the hell is zigazig ha?!” This is way too hard… so go on, just go eye-f*cking then.

 

Signing out xoxo,

JVo

P.S. It’s been a busy few weeks. So sorry for the delayed post! Have a great week people.

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