This means War. I am AALLBBAA…!

It’s been a little while since I’ve updated you on my Jessica Alba body challenge or SASSed anything for that matter. I’ve been a busy girl, okay? Work, family, friends, exercise, sex… you know the deal! “How are you coming along with that Alba body of yours JVo? Well boys and girls if you’ve seen me lately, then you would know that my body is totally hot hot hot right now. The Jessica Alba body challenge completed for 2013! Say what…? Don’t believe me? Here is a photo to prove it:

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Mission Accomplished! J.Alba

I know what most of you are thinking, “Her body is so… smokin’ hot right now.” But the rest of you… but only probably a few of you, are thinking, “What a bad photoshop job. I can’t believe she tried to pass that has her body. Do I look stupid to you?” Well, yes… yes you do look stupid you negative and jealous biatches. This fine piece of ass you see on your screen right now is au naturale, baby. How dare you question my photo? How dare you question my integrity? This blog is solely based on truths and nothing but the truth is ever spoken of. But okay, the photo was edited in Paint Pro. Not Photoshop! Get it right next time. Whatever!

I guess my body still does not look like J.Alba yet, but what can say is that I’ve been living a healthy lifestyle and exercising regularly enough to keep kit fit and in shape. Yeh, sure I can go harder and smash out toner abs, but for what? I think look good enough now and I’ve since made peace with my black gangster mirror (read previous post). I would say good morning to my mirror and he would tell me I looked ‘Aight’ in his usual nigger ways. He’d turn a blind eye on my little love handles and I get dressed and go about my day. I was eating relative well, maybe some junk here and there but that did matter. Life was as good as it could be. I was happy.

Until one day, one dark gloomy day, a brother from another mother decided to send me this photo via text:

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Cafe Lu Girls

“Yo, JVo. When we go to LA we’ve gotta come here. It’s a must!” What the f*ck? I immediately spat out my the half chewed Whopper Burger from my mouth and had a slight panic attack. “Cafe Lu Santa Ana, LA,” he continued to text. “They’re hot as!” What? Why are we going to hang  out with those bods anyway? We don’t even know them. And why do they look so amazingly damn sexy in their barely there skimpy skank outfits. Why… But Why? Oh Whyyyyy? I was having an internal mini meltdown. So I quickly turned to my trusted friend, my confidant; the one who would never ever lie to me and the only one that could calm me down right about now. I asked her the ultimate question, “Do I look like Jessica Alba?” My confidant sat up tall, stared at me straight in the eye and uttered the words,”Woof!” She then licked me and ran off and continued rub her ass along the carpet. “Bambi! ‘Woof’ is not an acceptable answer!” I chased her down, grabbed and dangled her in the air for an answer. “Tell me! Do I look like Jessica Alba??” Obviously, she was no help. Stupid dog!

I decided that it was more sane for me to see help from a human friend instead. My friend Diego (not is real name, but whatever) is an ultimo ripped machine, a fitness fanatic and a food calorie Natzi. “You need to buy a food scale. All you need to do is eat within your daily calorie limit You can eat whatever you want and just exercise as you normally do, and you will tone up,” Diego shared his words of weight loss wisdom. “Really? You mean, I can eat whatever I want?” I asked him in desperation. “Whatever… you want. Just so long as it’s under your daily calorie limit. And… you have to be committed!” He’s right! I must be committed. Motivated by his words, I think I may have gotten a tad excited. I pumped myself up, jumped on his coffee table and roared, “I-AM-SPARTAAAA….” Wait wait…. “I AM AALLBBAAAA…” then kicked him in the abs. Was that commitment for you or what? Diego and his wife kindly asked me to leave. Not sure why I had to leave so suddenly, but all I knew was that it was off to Kmart I go to buy the food scales. This means war Cafe Lu… War!

Now, that was two months ago and now I am sitting on the plane, on my way to LA ready to come face to face with the Cafe Lu girls. Have I been committed over the last two months? Maybe I was committed for about 2 weeks. But hey, don’t judge me! I’ve been busy…. work, family, friends, exercise, sex… you know the deal! Excuses, excuses… I know! I blame it on my imaginary Food Devil who hovers around my head just as my vision detects any ounce of junk food. The Food Devil says shiet like, “Don’t worry, You’ll totes go for a run tomorrow”,  “Well, it’s only cheese… dairy is kinda healthy,” and “You total deserve this triple-fat-double-choc whatever it is!”

What am I going to do? We are at war here. I’m just gonna have to work what I’ve got, Girlfriend! Bedazzle them with my personality instead. Then we shall see who will come out of this war on top!

Many you are thinking why on earth am putting myself through this body challenge. Like I’ve mentioned before, I’m not one of those skinny biatches who complains about their non-existent fat. “O-M-Gee… I’m sooo fat… I need to loose another 10kg so I can be 35kg and I look like a little school girl with my boney ass body and no hair on my vag-jay-jay!” Okay, I’m sure real girls don’t speak like that and I’m sorry, but I just imagine really ano-skinny girls not to have hair down there because they wouldn’t have enough nutrient intake to flow down there. It’s all logics, yo! Anyway… just a little off topic?

Yes, the truth is I do have a petite frame, but I still have a layer of tummy fat to get rid of. It’s not too disturbing, but as you can see, that layer of fat does not exist on Jessica Alba’s perfectly toned body. Or did she too have her photo perfectly edited in Paint Pro? Hmmm? I guess we will never know, but it doesn’t hurt to try and stay fit. Because…

“I AM AALLBBAAAA…”

Signing out from Hollywood xoxo,

JVo

P.S.  Sorry, it has been awhile since my  last post. Hopefully I will be writing from LA and give you an update.

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Trackbacks

  1. […] Tucked in a little ball on the couch, I sat sobbing, using Bambi’s (my dog) fur to wipe away my tears. See? Even the Tissue Box fcking with me. Tissue Box, why are you so far away looking smug on that table way over there? Life is so unfair! “Hu hu hu hu…” I continued to cry. My poor boyfriend “The Dude”, feeling helpless at the time and had no idea what was going and he did his best to figure it all out. “Do you have your woman period thingy?” I rolled my eyes at him, “You know I don’t get PMS! I thought you knew me… But you don’t know me at all!!! Hu hu hu…”  The poor dude gave it another go, “Are you stressed at work or something?” I just shook my head and continued to sulk. Then he finally came out with, “Okay… so I know I called you Jessica Biel in bed last night. I said I was sorry… I meant ALBA. ALBA! Forgive me….” I starred at him with death fiery eyes, “Forgive you? Does this ass look like Jessica Biel? Ha? Are you some kind of blind moron?! I am Jessica ALBA! ALBA…….” Grrrr… The world hates me! (If you’ve just tuned in to this blog, I’ve got some weird obsession with J-Alba). […]

  2. […] good piece of advice from fitness freak Diego, well before we’re no longer on speaking terms (find out why). He said to me, “Make small milestones and set to achieve them.” It doesn’t […]

  3. […] I’ve reached the Jessica Alba body status in 2013, (Oh come, on…. I had pictures to prove it, remember?) I am now going to pick a new muse for 2014. Someone who is hotter, leaner and oozes sex appeal. […]

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