Biatches be like, what’s happening in 2014?

 

20140219_JenSwag

 

Yo! Whaddup Homies? So it’s  2014… And I’m back and I’m black!

Okay, I’m not black. I’m not even brown, but what I do now own is a few more of these swagaliscious snapback caps, which gives me the license to speak black to whoever and whenever I want. Word… to yo Mother! – Vanilla Ice (cos he’s the original black gangster, yo!). I admit, just because I visited the swag nation of L.A. recently and rubbed shoulders with the rich and the famous, rapped with mah dawgs on the streets of Hollywood, bought myself a diamond incrusted gold mouth grill and learnt the oh-so-cool ways of how to wear jeans just below my junk, it doesn’t mean that I’ve become more swagger than you. It just means that I’m a little confused and quite possible to have a tinsy-winsy identity crisis on my hands. Miley Cryus, much? The truth is, I am still as pale as anything in the middle of this Melbourne Summer. Because why? Because I am Asian, yo fool! It’s just what we do. We cover up and we stay out of the sun, cos I ain’t no field worker. See even now, I don’t know whether to write in black or an Asian tone? Just a little confused… L.A. can do this to anyone.

Time flies, eh? I started this blog in April 2013 and now that almost a year has gone by, let’s take a few minutes to reflect and re-cap what have we learnt:

  • Yolo. You Only Live Once. And oh did we live it up in 2013!
  • Swag. What I have and you don’t. Unless, you too own a snapback cap with stickers on it. Then you’re super authenticated. Word… to yo Mother.

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  • One Direction and Justin Bieber. It’s ok to like and appreciate young boys’ musical talent as long as they are over 18. It’s perfectly legal. Take a leaf out of Mary Kay Letourneau’s book.
  • Bambi. My poochie love. A magical poodle x shih-tzu puppy who has more reason and rhyme than a lot of people. She talks. Kind of.
  • Paul Michael Dawson, aka Gossip Girl. Who the f*ck knows where this dude is. He will surface himself from the pervert bush eventually and deliver us an out of this world SASS article. No pressure dude.
  • Short shorts.  Is a must at dance parties. Don’t fight it, just embrace it. Muscles and Muzzas are in. Your time is over, JVo.
  • Jessica Alba. Also now known as Jennifer Alba in some nations. Not sure which one is more famous now, but I’ve totally reached my Alba body challenge in 2013. I don’t care what you say… La La La la… *hands over my ears* Ignorance is bliss!

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Missed out on the goss? Go back down memory lane.

That’s 2013 in a nutshell. I hope last year was as good for you as it was for me. Thank you for  sharing my experiences with me and reading my SASSes. I hope that somewhere along the way our words have made you smile, whilst letting you inside my weird and wacky thoughts. In turn, your kind words, naughty comments and encouragement this past year has really helped me through some tough times. More than you’ll ever know.

So what’s in store for Sass Avenue in 2014? Expect more SASSes with attitude, euww topics and throw-your-hands-up-like-you-just-don’t-care moments. How is that so? Well, it’s because JVo is now well inducted into her 30’s now and in all honesty, she doesn’t more or less care about what people think of her. She is quite comfortable in her 100% transparent black skin. Because she’s older and wiser. Who does she need to impress? Who does she need to win over? No one. She just needs to be her honest and non-delusional Jennifer Alba self. She doesn’t even care if you think she is totally coo-coo right now for writing in the third person all of the sudden. It’s just is, okay? Like I said, throw-your-hands-like-you-just-don’t-care.

The truth is, the older people get, the more at ease they are with themselves. Maybe it’s because priorities change or maybe we are at an age where you truly understand that no one else can help you more than you can help yourself. You need to be happy with you first and then worry about how the world perceives you, if there is a need to worry at all. Such examples are clearly evident in the behaviours of my gracious mature Mum at my sister’s graduation ceremony last year. As we were sitting in the seating stands patiently waiting for my sister to take the stage, a man had stood up in just a  few rows in front of us. Probably to lookout for his son/daughter on the stage as well. Frustrated by Mum’s now blocked vision, she collected herself calmly, gently lifted up her half-empty Mount Franklin water bottle. Not to drink… oh no, no, no… But to piff it at the inconsiderate standing man. Bam! The poor man turned around to see what had hit him, but only to be faced with a blank staring Vietnamese lady. Not moved by the water bottle, my Mum decided to reach for another object from her purse. That’s when the younger version (aka Me), decided that enough was enough, “Mother! Just stop it… Put that machete down! We Viets left machetes in the 90’s along with the rest of the junkies playing 13 cards and picking their noses with their pinky-long-nailed fingers in jail. Don’t bring back Cabramatta memories, please! ” That’s when I realised my Mum had a throw-your-hands-up-like-you-just-don’t-care moment. She’s 60 plus. Do you think she cares what strangers think of her? No. Just get out of her f*cken way.

So now… just like my Mum,  I’m older and I throw-my-hands-up-like-I-just-don’t-care. That is why, you would often see me dancing like an idiot and singing to the wrong lyrics of songs on the streets in board daylight. I really don’t care what strangers think of me. It’s liberating and very Yolo. Not so much swag, but we win some and we lose some. And that is why we’re gonna get even SASSier this year. Why not, right? Word… to yo Mother!

Since I’ve reached the Jessica Alba body status in 2013, (Oh come, on…. I had pictures to prove it, remember?) I am now going to pick a new muse for 2014. Someone who is hotter, leaner and oozes sex appeal. Someone who’s a dream girl for most men, whilst still being an absolute attainable goal for me. That muse is… Alessandra Ambrosio!

Did you hear what she said? “I don’t like to workout at all…” What a Biatch! But noice… JVo, a Victoria Secret Supermodel by 2014? Don’t think it can happen? Just watch these legs grow, baby! More to come about Alessandra Ambrosio in future posts, but first I need to learn how to spell her name from memory. In the immediate term and first steps to transforming into Jennifer Ambrosio, I’ve signed myself up for Tough Mudder, a fun run and to be part of a skinny bridesmaids team this year. This will keep you on track Jennifer Ambrossio.

Looking forward to SASSing with you this year.

 

Signing out xoxo,

JVo

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