I often get text messages like this from a few of my close guy friends:
We speak liberally about their hoodlum adventures. Yes, it is offensive. Yes, we are objectifying women. Yes, it’s a little on the wrong town. But it’s all good… because I’m a Bro, yo!
What is a Bro exactly?
Listen to this short but well-defined definition of what are a Bro is, from Barney Stinson of hit TV show How I Met Your Mother.
So there you have it. I’m the kind of Bro that honours The Bro Code when duty calls. I’m what you call a fine bred Woman-Bro to some friends, which includes some girlfriends who are also fellow Woman-Bros. There are a 1001 rules there are out there on how to be a Bro. Don’t listen to them, and certainly don’t listen to the rest of the Barney Stinson’s Bro Code ridiculousness rules. The rules are quite simple, really. It’s damn logical. When you have pledged to be a Bro or a Woman-Bro (in my case) to someone, just stick to these few rules and you can’t go wrong:
- Don’t sleep with the girlfriend / partner. Does this even need to be said? What are you, incestuous?
- Don’t sleep with the Ex. Unless you want my fist to your face. Then we can be Bros after, because Bros before Hoes, Mate. But first, fist in your face.
- Don’t sleep with their family members. Yes, this includes my Mum, Dickhead. Seriously, are you incestuous? If so, the you can never be a Bro. Read a book on how to be norma first, ya fool.
- Don’t cut their lunch / steal their target / spray on their mojo. Whatever you call it, just don’t do it loser face! Haven’t you watched Dirty Dancing? “This is my dance space… and this your space…” Do you remember this scene? Yes, you do? Failed! Only a CHICK would remember that scene. You’re a BRO! F*ck Dirty Dancing. More RedTube for you.
- Fist pump when he picks up a hot bird. High-five is also okay in an event where making a scene is appropriate and not jeopardising your Bro’s conquest. Although, an upside down high-five (aka low-five) if executed correctly, may be subtle enough for any occasion.
I told you these rules are easy and logical. But you know, not everybody gets it right. We often lose our way and need to be re-directed back onto the right course of the Bro-ship. But hey, John So is my Bro. John So is also your Bro. And if the former Lord Mayor of Melbourne, John So can be our Bro, then you can be a Bro too. Unless you’re incestuous. We’ve been through this already… I’m tired.
The truth is, I am glorifying how good it is to be a Bro, because quite frankly I’m terrible with abiding by The Chick Code. Unlike The Bro Code, The Chick Codes does have 1001 rules on how to be a good girl-on-girl friend. Hmmm… Nope! That came out wrong. Darn it, I’ve broken a chick code already, haven’t I? We’ve all seen girls who lives by The Chick Code. You know, the ones who has besties, who does the high pitched 0h-my-gawd-I-totally-don’t-care-but-I-pretend-to-care scream when they see you and the ones that give you the death-by-devil-stares just because you did not remember their Grandma’s dog’s birthday? Yep, those ones.
Some ridiculous chick code demands may include the following (Note, The Chick Code may vary depending on the chick, so you can never really know what the code is other than trial or error):
- A chick must notice every subtle change to their fellow chick’s appearance and comment on it: “Omg, I can’t believe you didn’t notice that I got my nipple pierced. Couldn’t you see that my left nipple is large than normal through the outline of my singlet?” Err… nope. “Well, you just don’t care… I don’t even know why we’re friends.” If you want people to notice your change, just tell them what’s different about you… geez!
- A chick has to be there for one another. Okay, so I will be there for you when you really need it. When it counts. Don’t bore me with the minute problems and make me answer to unanswerable questions like,”Why is the moon so red on blood moon night? Why did this 24hr ever lasting lipstick only lasted for 8hrs …?” Geez! I have 99 problems but this Chick ain’t gonna be one. Piss off.
- A chick shall not be friends with the people that a fellow chick does not like. Seriously? Are you in bloody high school? F*ck that! Get yourself out of puberty blues and grow some nuts and become a Bro. I’ve lost a few friends this way recently, but if I was to stop being friends with people simply because they are ‘supposed’ to be my enemies, then I would miss out on some pretty awesome people in my life. Real friends don’t put a leash on you. “But my friend is a Chick?” Oh my bad… There is no rhyme or reason to the code. Just do it.
- Plenty more where that came from…
Too hard… F*ck The Chick Code. More RedTube.
What I can say is that I’m thankful that I have friends who are like Bros to me; guys and girls. They are non-demanding, easy-going and most of all they are there for the good times and nothing is less unresolved for too long. Even though I may not get to see my Bros all the time, I know that if I call them out of the blue for a random “Hello” and a “Watcha doing Homie? “after I totally forgot their birthday or a significant milestones… I’d know they’d be cool with me and vice versa. Fist to the face first, but then Bros first.
Less talking. More RedTube. Goodnight. No incestuous dreams, please.
Signing out xoxo,