Well hello there, it’s JVo here again! You remember me, right? The really fabulous young (ahem..) lady who sometimes blog and may also be confused as Jessica Alba at the best of times? “Oh.. right! Yes, the extremely modest one who has a smoking body? You’re pretty amazing… and pretty awesome… and really really ridiculously good looking.” Aww… thank you so much guys! I have the bestest loyal readers in the world. Well… that’s one way to promote yourself. Just write your own conversations with yourself on your blog!
Anyway, I apologise for not writing in a long while and especially on the topic of my transformation journey from J-Alba to J-Ambrosia. The last few months have been a whirlwind of me jumping on the healthy diet band wagon and falling of the band wagon, getting dragged by the heals by the band wagon and then finally the band wagon decided to shat itself and broke down during Easter. Put simply, the healthy diet band wagon was ‘Made in China‘ with no warranty period you piece of sh*t. You suck healthy diet band wagon… It’s your fault that I ate all these carbs, fats, cheeses and yes… loads of sugar! O to the M to the Geeez (See what I did there? OMG… Clever aren’t I?).
Okay, so I shouldn’t be blaming the healthy diet band wagon and I guess China do produce some good quality products sometimes. But I do blame my retarted Will Power who truly believes he’s Will I Am and lets me eat whatever I want, whenever I want lately (Turn up the volume when you listen to this. Adds to the affect):
Feeling Like Myself lyrics (Will I am) – “Look up in the mirror… The mirror look at me… The mirror be like baby you the sh*t… God dammit you the sh*t….”
Nooooo…. you ain’t the sh*t, JVo! You are J-Alba at best! And that is sh*t ain’t good enough home girl… ughh! Tell me, do you look anything like this goddess of unicorns yet?
Well you know the answer! How do we fix this? This feels like 2013 all over again. I remembered a good piece of advice from fitness freak Diego, well before we’re no longer on speaking terms (find out why). He said to me, “Make small milestones and set to achieve them.” It doesn’t matter if you fall off the band wagon a hundred times over, just get back on and celebrate your wins, whether it would be eating a healthy meal, downing a green smoothie or telling Will Power you ain’t the sh*t and put down that burger. That’s an achievement! Build your mental and motivational strength to keep pushing on and strive to achieve your bigger goals. For me, it’s to transform my beautiful J-Alba pony into the Alessandra Ambrosia unicorn that I could be.
My good friend Anthony Robbins (we go way back since his Personal Power infomercial days. I speak of truth) once told me that if you want to achieve your goals, you need to find triggers great or small, to create a desire to change; a hunger to change your habits. This trigger came to me when I was having drinks one Friday night with friends of friends who were talking about the gruelling obstacles at Tough Mudder when I said, “Yeh, I think I’m gonna give it ago this year.” A no-named-aquaintance dude looked at me in shock and said, “You…? You don’t look like you could handle Tough Mudder. Maybe, her. I can see her doing it, but not you.” He was pointing at my good friend Lexona who is a very sporty and athletic girl. Trigger #1! I’ll show you no-named-aquaintance dude… and stupidly signed up for Tough Mudder 2014.
Months went by and the Tough Mudder day had finally arrived back in March on a gloomy autumn’s day; horribly cold and windy. With more than 15 hard yakka obstacles to charge through over a 20km of nature stretch, it was a test for any hardcore tough mudder. Far ahead were a sea of tough blokes and butches full of grunt and roars. Tall muscle equipped men and women dressed in variations of army like uniforms with black camouflage stripes across their faces. They were hard, rough and ready to thunder. And then… there was me. There I was in my gay pink “I Love Lamp” logo t-shirt. A little over 5 foot tall, who sometimes gets swayed by the wind when running. I’m not tough, nor mudder, just Alba. I was sitting there already with goosebumps waiting for the host to finish his speech before the gates opened to the fields. I turned to the guy next to me with envy, “Hey nice gloves. I wished I thought about bringing rubber gloves.” He smiled and said, “Thanks. Nice lamp. I wished I had brought a lamp.” It was true. Emilio, my I Love Lamp team captain had the bright idea to bring along a Lamp to complement our pink t-shirts. No… Emilo is not gay. Trigger #2! You insult my team, boy? Emilo is not gay…! You must die… Grrr…. I gave him a good shove in the chest and started running.
Tough as nails my team and I were with our pink t-shirts and our lamp. We crossed through muddy swamps, trenches, climbed over rocks and tyres, jumped off cliffs into water and breezed our way through the electricity crawls. I finally hit a standstill and my heart suddenly sank when we reached an obstacle which required these little legs to magically climb over a 5 metre tall wall using nothing but a rope with a couple of notches on it and small ledge 2 metres high from the ground. As we were waiting for our turn, I could see a lot of men making it over the fence but immense fear in most women’s eyes as they made the climb. I then looked at my legs. My mere 1.0 metre short legs and realised that there is no f*cking way I’m gonna make it over. Before my eyes, a big dude fell backwards onto the crowd and then one of my team mates who made it over the wall, but fell flat onto his face on the other side. F*ck that… I thought to myself. I’m not ready to die today.
I was ready to give up and just walk this obstacle, when I saw littlier girls behind me waiting for there turn. Nervous as hell, but they weren’t going anywhere. “If you can do it, Jessica Alba. Then we can do it too!” One of the girls said. Trigger #3! I must do it for the short girls! I took a deep breathe, reminded them that I’m not the real Jessica Alba, but thanks I know it can be very confusing, marched up to the wall and started pulling on the rope. My first leg swung onto the wall. Nope. It wasn’t gonna happen. I was stranded 2 metres off the ground. Then what? Then voices and whispers of wisdom from Diego, Tony Robbins and Emilio started to enter my head “… I Love lamps…” Nobody cares about the stoopid Lamp, Emilio… Get out of my head! It was one voice that got to me. My mother’s, “You can be whoever or whatever you want to be…” Okay, I lie. My mother is Asian, duh! She’d beat me when I got a B in maths. Anyway, “Be whoever you want to be…” is the real focus here. A couple of meditated breathes later, my inner chameleon abilities start to take shape and just like the beautiful blue Mystique villain in X-men, I transformed myself just for a brief moment into Alessendra Ambrosia. That’s right. No lies. Have you seen her legs? Need I say more how I completed the obstacle? Because everything happened so fast, nobody can be of witness to this extraordinary occurrence. But let me ask you this… How can these little legs get over that wall? The truth is within you, my friend. Believe it.
My team ended up completing the tough mudder race with our heads held high, our t-shirts in tact and of course the lamp made it all the way to the finish line. Thank you Emilio (not a real name) and team for an inspirational day full of fun and hard work. I would not do it again, but it was great that we did it once a upon a time!
So the moral of the story is draw whatever inspiration around you to keep you going and even the impossible can be possible. Celebrate on little wins to keep you going to achieve your final goals. This is something I need to constantly remind myself when. And before you know it, you too can be Alessendra Ambrosia.
Signing out xoxo,
P.S. I lost all FB likes due to a system upgrade, so be kind and like if you did actually the story. Ask SASS AVENUE ANYTHING will be coming soon.