“Hell yyeeahhh…. I’m DTF, JVo!” was how the conversation started a few months ago when I asked my friend how his single life was travelling. “What’s DTF?” I naively asked him. The other boys shook their heads in disbelief, “Err… have you been under a rock? It’s Down to F*ck!” Then further looks of disappointed when they realised, “This is going on your blog, isn’t it?” Ah no… Okay, ah… hell yeah it is!
So that’s how it is these days. There are are married people, divorced people, single people, de facto people and those people that are just DTF. Applications such as Tinder and Grinder (for the boys) are clear advocates of the DTF status. Such “hook-up” apps are revolutionising the dating game as did Facebook in building friendships and relationships (plus stalkerships). Except now it’s just a little saucier, dirtier and the fact that your chances of herpes increases just adds to the excitement. It’s the new norm. Now, who has the guts to tell my Mum what the world has become, whom is by the way, at church every week praying to the lord to forgive my little sister’s whorish ways for dating a total 4 boys by the age of 22. Can somebody please tell her that my sister is considered almost a virgin in today’s society? Well, almost…
Mum, long gone are the days were girls would wear turtleneck tops to dates and drop their panties only when The Beatles were playing on stage. We drop our panties on the sight of Snapchat, not that you will ever know what that is. So… how does this all relate to Bang Day? Well, if you’ve been reading my blogs you will know that I might be quite liberal in my thoughts, but a somewhat conservative in practice. I’ve never really been DTF or had a one night stand before. I just never felt the need to and I never had it in me to bring home a stray dog, not knowing where he’s been or peed. A few friends used to tell me not to care so much, just let loose and go for the one night bang. Who cares? Nah… I told myself, no need. I am quite happy to do my own thing, if you know what I mean. That was until one day, I was sitting at home… alone… in the dark… in the middle of Winter… wondering what it could be like to have a random man in my bed. Struggling to shrug off my x-rated thoughts, I turned on the TV for some background noise for a bit of distraction and one gaming trailer caught my attention. The game trailer was for the popular sci-fi game called Mass Effect:
Man, even Commander Sheppard is banging everyone! So, later that week when I received a text from a guy who I had met couple months earlier to go “grab a drink,” I thought, why not? As Commander Sheppard would say, “We’ll Bang, Ok?” Plus when a hot-tall-dark-and-handsome lieutenant Commander tells you to bang on late night television, do you really need more of a sign? You’ll just bang, ok? Just bang. And so… bang we did. If you would like more details (and pics) about our banging session <click here>.
That very first bang was a year ago and here we are today… still banging but also loving The Dude to bits. So I guess that was a one night stand bang fail, but ultimately it has worked out for the better. However, leading up to our Anniversary, needless to say The Dude and I had a few disputes over which day would be our Anniversary date, because when did our banging turned into love-making (euww… gross, but oh so romantic, right? Right?). It’s all very confusing. What date should we pick for our Anniversary? An anniversary marks the day you became a couple, not the day that you banged. So I say that in this current day, let’s stop picking out arbitrary dates and calling it your anniversary date because it doesn’t mean anything. Why can’t we just recognise what it really is… that there really is such thing as a Bang Day. It’s your Bangiversary. The day that you first banged. Makes sense? Logics? No more disputes and meaningless dates.
To back up my new stand to abolish the Anniversary, I conducted a very technical society survey (Well… I asked a show of hands at a random birthday party at a bar. That’s pretty damn technical) approximately a month ago and about 80% of people who got together in their late 20’s and onwards had banged before they officially became an item. There was no “Will you go out with me?” or “Or will you be my girlfriend?” It is now, “We’ll Bang, OK?” So really, is there such thing as an anniversary anymore? No. For many of you, let’s be real here. You’ve got a Bang Day, the very first time you’ve laid your whooha on that special someone.
From this day forward I declare you with Bangiversary rights. Take away your so-called Anniversary dates and replace them with your official Bang Day. Let you not be shamed about how you got together. Let you not be shamed of those days you were nothing but a floozy. But be proud of how you turned bangship into romance so that you will live on to share so much love and commitment for each other. Unless of course, you caught genital herpes then let’s not be proud of that. Be careful, that shiet is real, yo!
You will now celebrate your Bangiversary without shame. Let us all make it a mission to get Bangiversary into the Oxford dictionary so that the stupid misspelling red underline doesn’t show up on my screen any longer, because Urban Dictionary is “apparently” not the correct english language. Whatevs.
Signing out xoxo,