What you don’t know about HIPSTERS

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Hmmm….

 Look at this picture. Now lock your eyes at it, stare harder and deeper. Close your eyes and take 3 big deep breathes. Do you now have the sudden urge to now wear skinny jeans, put on raggity hat and grow a beard just like this guy? I know what you’re thinking… This guy is so trendy… You don’t know what it is about him, he’s not the best looking or clean cut, but it’s something about him that makes you feel like he’s pretty cool; he’s pretty freaking fan-tab-ulous. You’re currently disregarding your sane thoughts telling you to stop it,  but but deep down inside that heart of yours, you secretly want to be just like him. Am I right? Well, you can’t. Not because you’re not allowed to, but because I know that most of you are Asian reading my blog, and quite frankly most of you can’t physically grow facial hair. It’s a fact and you know it.

So I’m digressing a little. I’m not here to talk about why Asian people can’t grow facial hair, I’m here to bring to your attention about a serious world issue we have brewing on this Earth some time: THE EPIDEMIC OF HIPSTERISM.

Or PANDEMIC, I should say? I’m serious. I know Hipsterism has been around for a long time. And for the longest time, Hipsters have been freely roaming the earth in their skinny jeans, thick-framed glasses with nil prescription, their shabby chic refurbished and really expensive stuff,  listening to obscure music and are known to having a brain bank of useless-as-f*ck facts about humanity and organic living. (Okay, maybe some of their facts are useful, but whatever). We normal humans have always co-existed with first, The Hippies and now the new and improved breed, The Hipsters. We all lived separate lives, learned to accept our differences in our own big worlds, until one day not too long ago I had an “Oh nah-ah! ” moment. The moment, I picked up a mason jar somewhere in obscure streets of Brunswick and told myself I needed this in my life. The moment, when I said I don’t like Calvin Harris anymore because he’s too mainstream? The moment when anything too cool was uncool and anything different became cool. What is this?

Have you noticed that I haven’t been online much? Have you noticed that my last post was a little depressing? Have you noticed that I like people a little less? I woke up this morning feeling the need to look like this:

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Does this looks strange to you? What happened to the “Yo, I’mma Swag biatch!” and “I’ll pop ya Mac Daddy” gangster girl that you used to know? Who am I kidding, I was never swag or gangster, and I have no idea what a Mac Daddy is. But it sounds gangsterish though, doesn’t it? All I know was that I was not a f*cken Hipster! Nah-Ah…. Nigga No! I loved One Direction, Kimye and I love everything that is mainstream, clean and modern. So what… the… f*ck… is happening? Why am I being such an alternative negative bitch recently? I tell YOU what is happening. Whilst the media and the world are reporting on the growing issue of terrorism, improving road death tolls and the political Abbott dramas (okay, no one isn’t really talking about Abbott), the Hipsters are slowly taking over the world, those sneaky little f*ckers. How many times have you sat down at a cafe and thought to yourself that this place was cool, only to look around and see that everything you like about it is Hipster? Take notice next time. You like the place when they use a mix of eclectic furniture and cutlery. How many of you own mason jars? How many times did you want to take photos and apply a filter to your meal? How many bartenders wear aprons and have you spotted with a massive beard without purpose? How many of you go, ”Ooh…. It’s organic? TOO MANY OF US!  YOU HIPSTER! THAT’S HOW MANY.

Hipsters are taking over the world and we don’t even know. Yet, we sit here and worrying about ISIL and their peasely little army?  Look at the world around you? You may not know or realise that this is happening. But Hipsters are slowly integrating their ways into the mainstream society. Chic, modern and crisp will slowly die and the world will be like like this:

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What it would be like…

I don’t know about that, but that’s what google came back with on a Hipster search. Go figure.  Maybe it’s the future we are yet to see. So look at the first photo again and test yourself honestly? Are you too a f*cken Hipster? Be honest. I know I’m not. Okay, I might be. Okay, I don’t really bloody know… help me! But ask yourself, do you think it would be really cool to own a longboard too? Then you, my dear might just be infected by Hipsterism.

Join me the in the “Save yourself, save the world. I’m not a f*cken Hipster” campaign. I know this is going to be hard, but we need to lock ourselves in a room, resist our urge to like anything out of the norm. Don’t you dare listen to “Triple J.” Don’t you dare even think about drinking your organic smoothie out of a mason Jar. No! Now chant with me repeatedly in that little room on yours. “I love Taylor Swift… I love Taylor Swift… I don’t care if she is mainsstream. Now shake it off, shake it off… ooh ooh ooh”

Good luck to you, Humans. Let our kind live strong with Taylor Swift and we will win the war against Hipsterism.

See you back on the other side soon, where we will instead worship Yeezus, aka Kanye West.

Signing out xoxo,

JVo.

P.S. On a personal note, I’ve been pretty flat out on some stuff I’ve been working on, which is really important to me. Sorry, I haven’t been around or available much lately. I’m not really a Hipster… I think.

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